As I settled into my Santa Fe home for winter writing exile (in the best way), it is so my life that after only four days I’m called back to Hollywood.

Fundraising videos must be shot (I gotta pay for my book, y’all!) and there is hustle from some old colleagues to get me on a show involving travel and food…kind of my wheelhouse.

But I am happy to be moving between two familiar places. The past couple months have had so little of that.

Especially considering last week in New York (more to come on that below).

I wrote a post two weeks ago about not letting love be a distraction. I spent a lot of time on that post—perhaps more than any other—and when it was finished, I thought, “Huh. That was a lot of time…I wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something…”

I am a firm believer that we subconsciously attract into our lives the things to which we most need to be exposed. It’s often the universe’s way of saying “WAKE THE F*CK UP AND LOOK AT THIS ISSUE!”

 

For example, when I was in my early twenties and constantly attracted people who betrayed my trust, it was not the universe’s way of telling me that people couldn’t be trusted. Rather, since refused to examine my lack of love and trust for myself, it said,

“Fine, you don’t want to look at yourself? Then you’ll just have to look at the issue in others. Maybe that way you’ll figure out why it matters so much.”

It took it a while for it to sink in (it’s still sinking in), but if Universe didn’t keep giving me those rather terrible betrayal experiences, I would have continued living in a bubble of self-depreciation and denial. Instead, I’ve dealt with the issue with bare fists and I’ll tell you what: I’m better for it.

There are scars, but now I see better what value looks like.

But there are still lessons to be learned. These days, the universe looooves sending me people who can’t connect emotionally. This is (I believe) because I have that problem too, and sometimes I don’t work on it the way I should. It’s a vulnerability thing. That’s always fun.

Since I refuse to look at the issue in myself, I attract others with the issue so that I’ll look at it in them.

They enter my life as reminders. Nice, shitty reminders saying “Hey, Megg, you can’t avoid your problems! We will find you! We can take one billion forms and the issue you avoid beckons us from afar forever and ever!”

I’m not Emotional Connection Queen, and I am working on it. I know that if I can get better, I will be attracting the friends and lover(s) that can reciprocate.

But back to the love/distraction post from last month.

I was due to visit an old, rekindled flame (oh, aren’t those the best kinds? No.) in New York four days after posting that very post. Spending so much time in front of those words is, I suppose, the thing that pushed me over the edge…

I called him four days before we were supposed to meet at the Airbnb in NYC and told him I wouldn’t be coming.

Now, there were more reasons than my simply believing he was a distraction to my work—I intuited that he wasn’t in a healthy emotional place for romance, I doubted his ability to see me as an equal (Italians, ugh!), I had begun wondering if he might be a bit of a narcissist…

Anyway, I had all these doubts, and I acted on them—in no small part because that last post inspired me to do so.

And then I retracted on them.

He responded, encouraging me to come anyway, saying that I was just fearful (reasonably so—I hadn’t seen the guy in six months) and worried about my inability to control the situation. He was just so reasonable about it all. 

(Note to self: next time, just avoid dating a psychotherapist altogether)

Buh. Yes, I do have an issue with wanting to be in control. Yes, I was afraid. Blah, blah, fine. I’d go.

That, my friends, was a mistake.

What are nearly 3,000 word about preventing romantic distractions if I don’t listen to them during the moments they are needed most?

TELL ME.

What happened is that once we got back together, he realized that indeed he was not in a healthy emotional place (something about his ex coming at him with a knife after having a psychotic breakdown ,etc. etc.) for a Transatlantic connection, and “How about you stay in the AirBNB alone and I’m going to keep staying with my Italian cousin?”

Okay, but the good thing here is that all NYC-laced pain aside, I am able to see that I very truly was on-point with my initial instinct encouraging me not to go.

Even better was that I chose to ignore the instinct.

Why?

Because if I hadn’t, I would have always wondered if by not going to New York I was simply acting out of fear (of connection and all that gush).

I’m not saying it’s cool that I would have ever-questioned my decision, but I would have. I mean, I’m working on trusting my instincts without being inundated with self-doubt . . . really, I am. But still.

And preceding New York, I was even less confident re: instincts (blame it on childhood, blame it on whatever. Blame isn’t going to change things, but action will).

By going to NYC and realizing that my instinct was right about him, I am in a better place for the future to stop effing doubting myself so much. Almost paradoxically, I’m more confident.

Anyway.

I did get to see three wonderful friends while I was in the city (Hi Stacie, Nick, and Bourke!). I also watched Zootopia—a huge highlight—and then got brief diarrhea after eating roast Chinese “fast food” duck.

So all in all, great things.

What I’m trying to say is that while I’ve been writing everyday in my journals and in book editing, I’ve been scattered emotionally and professionally by staying at places that weren’t my own and dealing with lovers that also turned out not to be my own.

It’s hard to follow routine when life is giving you anything but.

And wow, I don’t even have children. Or pets. Or a partner. So props to you people who do. 

But I’m trusting that in continuing to try to build routine, eventually my vaguely-consistent actions will become just that—routine. Like brushing teeth.

(I hate brushing my teeth.)

Anyway, I’m back in solitude. Looking at nature through the window and hearing silence at night.

And I am free.

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