Writing Blind and Getting Lost
I’m writing. Yes, sure, I’m writing. But I am writing blind. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Let’s just get that out there in the open:
I do not know what I am doing.
Are you with me?
There’s this: I am trying to become a person who makes a living from writing. How? By subleasing my bungalow in Los Angeles and dipping out to Italy for a month while I organize my thoughts, finish my book, and try to get various short stories or articles published.
Is this a thing? Is this a thing that people do when they’re utterly lost? And am I utterly lost? I don’t know.
Sometimes I feel like I am doing the necessary things to get somewhere, but sometimes—times like now—I am just fighting to shut up the inner laughter ceaseless in its attempt to mock what I’ve done with my life thus far.
People tell me I’m brave or that it’s good to pursue my creativity, but it’s hard to hear when my future is so amazingly unpredictable.
Mostly, I think I’m just not sure what makes me happy, so I’m trying to find it. I comfort myself reasoning that many other people don’t seem to be questing like me because (1) they’ve either found their thing or (2) they’ve just settled for a level of contentment I’m not willing to accept.
I hope it’s that I haven’t yet found my thing. I hope that all this searching isn’t in vain. What I fear is that I will find success as a writer (and I will, damnit!), and find that I am still unfulfilled.
In all this I must remember that I can’t make one thing (writing success in my case) my entire raison-d’etre. Real success is an inside job, and amidst all my writing goals I need continuously to work on myself—my personal, physical, and relational health.
We must constantly ask the question: Why do we want to be alive?
Sometimes we forget that when we wake up, we are choosing to say yes. If we don’t know the reason why we’re saying yes, then we’re just going through motions.
I am writing here amidst this trashpile of doubt rising all around me because I’m trying to pin something down. I’m not sure what it is, but my hope is that as I write, I will at least be able to say that I am “doing writing.”
I am putting something out there and making some part of myself vulnerable and in penning things down to the world, hopefully I pinn myself down to this winding and unforeseeable path I’ve chosen.
I just want my feet to be strong and keep moving.
When I reach wherever it is I’m going, I want to know I went there on purpose. And with purpose, too.
What do you do when you doubt your path? How do you get motivated and deal with the uncertainty?
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What do you write? Do you have a portfolio?
I write books and this site will soon have a portfolio up 🙂
uncertainty makes it interesting
Doesn’t it though. But haaaaard sometimes! I have to remind myself not to worry about the outcomes and always always just the present moment.
20211116 03:32 No you are not lost.
“to shut up the inner laughter ceaseless in its attempt to mock what I’ve done with my life thus far.”
Recognize the start of the paths that lead to negativity. Throw the switch! Take away all the energy from the negativity by choosing to be happy, to build, not to destroy. Even a 1 year old child can knock down a big tall stack of bricks, yet they cannot reach high enough to rebuild it to its previous height. Everyone can destroy. Not everyone can build. Be a builder.
Instead of ‘trying’ to be a writer, ‘BE’ a writer. Enjoy the process of honing your skill. Delight in the many ways of saying the same thing, using different words every time. The aim is to crate an understanding in the mind of the reader so readers ‘see’ exactly the same as any other reader. The meaning is clear to all.
Instead of looking for happiness, be happy. You seem to be a restless soul in 2016. Perhaps this is the way you view yourself and why you refer to “the modern nomad’ in the title to your published book?
A sense of fulfilment comes from being comfortable in who you are, accepting yourself, ‘warts an’ all”. You might view these as platitudes. You become what you think you are, so, be creative in how you think about yourself. Do not change yourself to please others, if you do the your are living their life and not living your own life.
“Real success is an inside job” – absolutely! Believe in yourself. Get your subconscious mind to do your work for you.
“We must constantly ask the question: Why do we want to be alive?” – NO.
You do not need to do this. You are either a live or dead, and if you are dead you will not be asking any questions of yourself in ‘this world’. SO asking this question is a waste of valuable energy. Instead. “What great things am I going to do today?”and have a great big beaming smile on your face as you say it! Be excited that you are alive! Relish the scents in the air, the process of ‘feeling’, of being. Even an ache or a pain is a good sign. It means You ARE ALIVE. Just think what you can achieve! You can decide to DO ANYTHING!
THERE IS ONLY ONE THING YOU ARE REQUIRED TO DO.
YOU ARE REQUIRED TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
This is fun…. I feel like I am talking to myself and there is no one on the other side of the conversation… it is still fun though. Practice. ha ha ha… OH and a Verry Merry Christmas 2021 ! 🙂